The Bob Craig Museum of Excellence

And Metaphorical Theme Park (Heeney, Colorado)

This was a commissioned piece I wrote for the Lake Dillon Theatre Company – a theatrical roast of Bob Craig, founder of the Keystone Science Center (and all-around amazing guy: read his obit here in the Summit Daily News.) It was performed in 2010, I believe.

The Bob Craig Museum of Excellence And Metaphorical Theme Park Heeney, Colorado

SCENE 1

Opens on an empty stage save for an easel containing a placard with the words: The Bob Craig Museum of Excellence and Metaphorical Theme Park

— Heeney, Colorado (Presented by Haagen Dazs)

JENNY enters, looks around, straightens the placard and giddily spins around the stage, pantomiming straightening things, looking at exhibits (either imagined or just pieces of paper describing what they are) with various expressions of satisfaction. She then pretends to welcome some visitors.

JENNY

(big smile)

Welcome to the Bob Craig Museum of Excellence and Metaphorical Theme Park! I’m Jenny, your docent, and boy do we have something in store for you today!

(she finds another mark and starts over, maybe in a slightly lower octave)

Hello! This is the Bob Craig Museum of Excellence and Metaphorical Theme Park. Jenny Townshend here, your guide. If you’ll walk this way, you’ll first see the timeline that depicts Bob’s life.

(her gestures suggest it is rather a long timeline)

It just goes and goes and goes

(giggles)

As you know, Bob’s been around for quite some time! But he’s

still sexy, you know!

(fluffs her hair, adjusts her boobs)

So welcome to the Bob Craig Museum of Excellence and Metaphorical Theme Park! I’m Jenny …

Evan enters, eyeing the placard suspiciously

EVAN

Jenny, what the hell are you doing?

JENNY

Oh! Evan! Practicing for the big night of course!

EVAN

(looking at placard)

And what is this: Metaphorical Theme Park? What could that possibly mean?

JENNY

Now don’t wig out or anything, Evan. It’s something the consultant suggested.

EVAN

That moron from Las Vegas? You didn’t actually hire him did you?

JENNY

Well … he’s a friend of my father’s, and he’s giving us a really good rate!

EVAN

Jenny, I told you, we’ll be fine. We’ve got two whole weeks before the museum is set to open. I’m the curator, I’ve got it under control. These exhibits, they’ll be awesome.

JENNY

You’re the assistant to the deputy curator, Evan. And you do NOT have it under control. People will, well they’ll just die.

They’ll die? Of boredom.

EVAN JENNY

EVAN

What? Bob Craig is like the most interesting man in the world. They’ll go nuts over this stuff.

JENNY

(reading some exhibit descriptions)

Oh, right, I’m sure they’ll faint with excitement over “Bob’s Library: A comprehensive list of all the books on Bob Craig’s bookshelves being read aloud by children from Keystone Science School …

C’mon, that’s cool!

EVAN

JENNY

… or “Bob’s Ice Cream Parlor: An interactive exhibit where an actor portraying Bob Craig recreates Bob’s nightly Haagen- Dazs ritual.” What the heck?

EVAN

Hey, Bob loves Haagen Dazs. Says it’s both a weakness and a strength.

JENNY

But this is my favorite: “The museum’s grand foyer …” Which, by the way, is right where we’re standing and ‘grand’ isn’t the first word that comes to mind … “will feature a larger-than-life statue of Mr. Craig based on Michaelangelo’s ‘David’ and made entirely of moss from the Snake River. The ‘Mediator of the Mountains’ is in the buff save for a ski pass around his neck and some strategically placed aspen leaves.”

EVAN

(uncertain now)

Well, I overhead you yourself say he’s sexy …

JENNY

River moss?

EVAN

You know, for the science-y connection…

JENNY

Do we even have river moss up here? WHO is going to build this thing? Where will it go, honestly? And it’ll probably start to smell …

(crosses to Evan, puts hands on his shoulders)

Look, Evan, I appreciate all you’ve done, and I know you know Bob, but we need help! I mean, you don’t you want to create something that people stay away from in droves — not if you want to really honor the man. Do you?

EVAN

Well, no …

Hello? He’s here!

(off)

There is a knock at the door CHUCK

JENNY

Mr. Belvedere!

(Chuck enters with the air of a

man who’s just entered an unclean gas station restroom)

CHUCK

Hi. I’m not sure I’m in the right place. Is this the Jenny Craig museum?

JENNY

(laughs, holds out her hand)

I’m Jenny Townshend, this is the Bob Craig museum and yes, you are in the right place.

CHUCK

Good god. That’s what I was afraid of.

JENNY

And this is Evan, the, uh, curator, basically.

(Evan approaches and holds out his hand with Chuck reluctantly shakes)

EVAN

I prefer to think of myself as the resident Craigologist! (He may as well have just said

he’s an algebra teacher for all Chuck cares)

CHUCK

Listen, Jenny, I’m doing this as a favor to your dad and I don’t have a lot of time. I’ve got a Modigliani exhibit opening at the Bellagio in a week and …

JENNY

Oh, Mr. Belvedere, I so appreciate it. So here’s the dealio: This place is supposed to open in two weeks, and most of the people who, um, know the most about Bob Craig and what the museum’s supposed to be all about were called away on an emergency.

What?

CHUCK

EVAN

The entire staff of the Keystone Center, gone!

JENNY

Yes, something about two men trapped in an elevator in Washington D.C. …

EVAN

Not just two men: Ben Bernanke and Paul Krugman. And they’re not just trapped in an elevator: They were put there by some tea party people, they’ve been handcuffed together, strapped to a bomb and told to solve the budget deficit problem by Thursday.

CHUCK

That doesn’t make any sense. But it’s neither here nor there. My job is to help you put asses in seats, right?

Right!

What? Asses? Seats?

JENNY EVAN

CHUCK

You want people to come see the damn exhibit, right?

EVAN

Well, yes.

CHUCK

(looking around)

So, tell me, what have you got here? I’m assuming at some point these little pieces of paper are going to be translated into exhibits of some sort? Exhibits and attractions people might actually pay money to see.

EVAN

Oh, yes! We’re going to have this mossy Michaelangelo thing

CHUCK

Hold on. First tell me this: Who the hell is Bob Craig? Is he a politician or a philanthropist or what? And by the way, I don’t know if you noticed, but this place we’re in, Heeney, is like, it’s like some town out of ‘Deliverance’ or something. Where the hell are we? Who is going to be able to even find this place? Why did you put the museum here? What’s wrong with Keystone — a place people have actually heard of!

JENNY

It’s got really cheap real estate! For up here. And this building was empty.

EVAN

Like most of the buildings in Heeney.

CHUCK

It does have one thing going for it …

EVAN AND JENNY

What?!

CHUCK

Did you see the name of the place next door? “Master Bait & Tackle?” That’s excellent — great driving directions to put on the brochure: Right next to Master Bait & Tackle in beautiful downtown Higgins …

EVAN AND JENNY

Heeney!

JENNY

And I was trying to get the bait shop people to change the name. Out of respect.

CHUCK

Well don’t. We need all the help we can get.

EVAN

(helpfully) We will have a snack bar …

JENNY

Be quiet Evan.

(to Chuck)

We have actors, interpretive people to play Bob Craig and others.

CHUCK

Good, we can use them for the metaphorical theme park.

JENNY

Oh, yes, that. Can you explain that to me again, and to Evan?

CHUCK

(warming up)

Listen, no one wants to go anywhere they can’t take the kids, so you need a theme park. You can’t afford a theme park, so we create this metaphorical thing where the rides and attractions are sort of … inferred.

EVAN

Huh? So we lie?

CHUCK

No! OK, so let’s say, for example, your guy, Bob Craig, climbed K2 or something …

EVAN AND JENNY

He did!

CHUCK

Really? Even better. So you get a little room and project some images of K2 and you have one of your actors act out the expedition. You blow some fake snow in, turn on a fan, play some dramatic music …

Wonderful! Ridiculous!

JENNY EVAN

CHUCK

Whatever, take it or leave it. I’m givin’ ya pearls here, kids.

JENNY

We’ll take them Mr. Belvedere! We’ll take those pearls! What do we need to do?

OK …

CHUCK

(points to Evan)

You, give me the skinny on this Bob Craig character. (points to Jenny)

You, let’s see the marketing plan as soon as I’m done with that. And get your actors out here working on the K2 bit.

(he starts to exit, Evan and Jenny follow)

Where’s the coffee machine? It’s going to be a long night.

LIGHTS FADE

SCENE 2

We hear some DRAMATIC MUSIC and the sound of HOWLING WIND as the lights come up halfway on FAKE BOB CRAIG, all in black, pretending to climb a mountain. At some point, someone tosses some snow (the real thing) onto the stage. This and the ensuing action is accompanied by the NARRATOR (Evan) reading what follows (should sound recorded/crackly if possible)

NARRATOR

After serving in the Navy during World War II and being one of the first Americans to walk through Hiroshima, Bob Craig returned home to continue his education. But soon the mountains called again, and the intrepid Craig was soon leading an expedition of legendary K2. More mountaineering adventures would follow, including early ascents of Mt.

McKinley, Devils Thumb and others. Perhaps nothing will equal his trip to the High Pamirs in Russia — an expedition that helped thaw relations during the Cold War and which inspired Bob’s book, ‘Storm & Sorrow in the High Pamirs.’

LIGHTS UP FULL

CHUCK enters with clipboard followed by Evan and Jenny

CHUCK

Very nice. Take 5 there, Fake Bob Craig.

FAKE BOB CRAIG

My name’s Jeremy.

CHUCK

Whatever. Just go put on the Aspen Institute costume. (to Evan and Jenny)

OK, the Alpine Adventure Experience looks good. Nice job on the voice over, Evan. But don’t be shy on the bombast. Over the top puts asses in seats, that’s what I always say. Pump

up that Hiroshima thing some more — that baby’s got juice I tell ya. This Bob Craig guy, he’s larger than life, isn’t he? Ya gotta take that, run with it. Just downplay the colossal jerk aspect.

EVAN

What colossal jerk aspect?

CHUCK

You know, guys like this, climbing mountains, hobnobbing with the Kennedys, starting institutes — normal people can’t be in the same room with a guy like that. Probably thinks he came down from Mount Olympus instead of K2.

EVAN

No, really, he’s not like that. Bob Craig is like the nicest guy in the world. Everyone loves him.

CHUCK

Yeah right. No one wants to hear about the nicest man in the world, we want the Most Interesting Man in the World. Which reminds me of another bit I worked up with What’s His Face Fake Bob Craig …

It’s Jeremy!

FAKE BOB CRAIG

(from offstage)

CHUCK

Here’s the idea: You know those beer commercials with the Most Interesting Man in the World?

(Evan and Jenny nod)

Well Bob Craig is like the real Most Interesting Man in the World, not some actor from the Bronx like the guy in the commercials. So check it out: Hey Jeremy, come on out!

Jeremy enters wearing the ‘Aspen Institute costume: jeans, a tweed jacket, bowtie and cowboy boots

CHUCK

Holy shit, you look like a western senator.

EVAN

Yeah, Bob Craig had this look down before anyone.

OK, here goes:

CHUCK

(reading from clipboard as Jeremy sort of acts out what he’s saying)

Bob Craig, the Most Interesting Man in the World … He once tried an embarrassed silence just to see what it felt like.

(looks at Evan and Jenny for approval; they just blink)

OK, next: most interesting man blah blah blah … His vibrant hair can be used for climbing rope in a pinch.

(more blank stares)

OK, how about this: most interesting man … heads of state bump into him at banquets just to have an excuse to talk to him.

EVAN

That one sucks. How about this: Most interesting man … his teeth are made of pure ivory, and when he goes to Africa he has to fight off poacher-dentists who want a piece of the action …

JENNY

Lame! I’ve got one: most interesting man …

(she whispers instructions to JEREMY)

… OK, the Most Interesting Man on Justin Bieber … (gestures to JEREMY who

pretends to be engaged in conversation, then turns to casually say)

FAKE BOB CRAIG

No!

EVAN

Look, this is getting us nowhere. Channeling beer commercials

— good god!

CHUCK

OK, OK. Let’s just have Fake, er, Jeremy, work through some of those biographical basics we talked about. Evan, you just stick to the facts and I’ll work on how to, y’know, sex it up.

EVAN

OK. Let’s start with when he’s in the Navy and he gets made chaplain, almost sorta by mistake.

(Jeremy assumes some kind of preachy pose; playing along, Jenny becomes his ‘audience’)

CHUCK

Oh, that’s great, we can work with that. Jeremy, kick out some bombastic Latin crapola for background.

FAKE BOB CRAIG

Uh, deus ex machina. Domino Optimo Maximo …

CHUCK

That’s great! We’ll pipe in some Gregorian chants and hang up some fake stained glass for more effects. Then we’ll work up some bullshit story line about how Bob was persecuted for his faith and driven out of the Holy Land.

EVAN

Huh? He was on a ship, Chuck.

CHUCK

Listen, if you’re not prepared to take a little poetic license here, I mean c’mon. Look around: This ain’t exactly the Wizarding World of Harry Potter.

JENNY

(the peacemaker)

OK, let’s just leave that one for now. What’s next?

EVAN

(consulting notes)

Let’s do the one where Walter Paepcke gets Bob to be the first director of the Aspen Institute.

CHUCK

Did you say Aspen?!

Yep.

EVAN CHUCK

Alright! Now we’re getting somewhere. Jenny, you can play,

uh, Goldie Hawn and Jeremy, you’re Kevin Costner. The scene, a cocktail party at Hotel Jerome. Bob is drunk, star struck and surrounded by women …

JENNY

OK, now you’re going too far.

EVAN

Now he is? Listen Chuck, this was the 1950s. There were no celebrities in Aspen yet. The Aspen Institute was not some drunken cocktail party. It was a serious organization dedicated to advancing enlightened leadership and cultural understanding in the United States. The meeting between Bob Craig and Walter Paepcke on that street in Aspen all those years ago, I mean, it was historic! The Aspen Institute is known all over the world and …

CHUCK

OK, fine. Let’s reenact this historic meeting. But throw me a bone, would ya? Give me a little ‘Dr. Livingston I presume’ or something.

I’ll be Bob Craig.

FAKE BOB CRAIG

EVAN

OK Jeremy, you’re just back from an expedition to K2 and you’re hobbling around with a cane because, I dunno, you got frostbite on your toes or something. I’ll be Paepcke.

(they assume their positions)

EVAN

Hey! Is that Bob Craig I see, freshly back from his K2 expedition?

FAKE BOB CRAIG

Indeed it is! And might I be speaking with the famous Walter Paepcke, longtime executive of the Chicago-based Container Corporation of America and soon-to-be founder of the Aspen

Institute and the Aspen Skiing Company, both of which will transform the town of Aspen into an international resort destination?

EVAN

You know your Wikipedia, young Mr. Craig! Say, I have a proposal for you: How would you like to be the first director of the Aspen Institute?

FAKE BOB CRAIG

Golly, would I ever! What do I have to do?

EVAN

I dunno, you figure it out.

FAKE BOB CRAIG

(addressing audience)

And so I did!

How was that?

(they bow)

EVAN

(to Chuck)

CHUCK

(looking into his Blackberry)

You’re killing me. But look, I see here Queen Noor of Jordan is on the board of the Aspen Institute, and she’s a major hottie. Can we at least trot her out at some point?

JENNY

I’ll be the queen!

Or not.

(off Evan’s withering look)

CHUCK

Well, I’d say that scene has promise. Just think about working Antonio Banderas in there somewhere, and we can probably get some Aspen real estate company to sponsor the exhibit so maybe you can realize some return there. What’s next?

EVAN

The next big thing in Bob’s life was he bought a ranch in Woody Creek and started raising cattle.

FAKE BOB CRAIG

Moo!

(they all look at him)

What? I’m just saying I do a helluva cow. Moo!

CHUCK

Well, maybe that can be one of the kiddie exhibits. What else?

EVAN

Next up is the founding of the Keystone Center in 1975 …

CHUCK

1975? Excellent! Disco! Cocaine! Pantsuits and bell bottoms. Free love! Have we got a disco ball in this place?

EVAN

Actually I think it was sorta the opposite of all that.

JENNY

Oh, yes. They started in the Old Village of Keystone. So cute, all these little cabins, probably goats and sheep all around. The ski area was brand new and being run by … that one guy.

EVAN

Bob Maynard. He had an idea to raise Keystone’s profile by starting something along the lines of the Aspen Institute. And so who ya gonna call?

EVAN AND JENNY

Bob Craig!

I’ll be Bob Craig.

FAKE BOB CRAIG

EVAN

I’ll be Bob Maynard.

(they assume positions)

CHUCK

Don’t you dare give me another Walter Paepcke scene! C’mon, help me out here. Do it as opera, or performance art or something.

OK, good idea!

FAKE BOB CRAIG

EVAN

What? The opera or the performance art?

FAKE BOB CRAIG

Both!

(the following is done as some kind of opera-infused performance art)

JENNY

Wait! What do I do? All these parts are for guys!

EVAN

I dunno. Be a sheep in the background or something. (this seems to placate Jenny,

who starts making baa’ing sounds throughout the scene, even inserting strategically placed barnyard noises in key places. CHUCK buries his head in his hands.)

EVAN

I am Bob Maynard! On this mighty mountain we have built a ski area.

FAKE BOB CRAIG

Yes you have! Yes you have! The dog food company angle is interesting too.

EVAN

But we’re out in the sticks. This place needs some heat, some smarts. Deliver us from this wilderness!

FAKE BOB CRAIG

I’ve got just the thing: A Keystone Center, a place for understanding. Where thoughtful people from the business community will say smart things. They will figure things out.

EVAN

Environmentalists too?

FAKE BOB CRAIG

Yes! Of course! We will all get together and figure stuff out. It’ll be great. It’ll be great. And then we’ll all go skiing/all go skiing.

EVAN

Yes skiing! What weighty questions we will solve … on the ski lift/on the ski lift!

FAKE BOB CRAIG

And then, lo, we will bring the children to this place! They will learn about science. They will know mother nature in her wonder/in her wonder. And then we will all go skiing.

EVAN

All go skiing!

Hurray!

FAKE BOB CRAIG AND EVAN

(they bow; Jenny bleats, Chuck claps)

CHUCK

I like it! It’s just awful enough that we can pitch it to the media as some kind of avant garde theatre piece. This po-dunk newspaper you’ve got here will probably eat it up as some fancy big-city thing. We can add some zither or glockenspiel music, maybe get some kind of sheep head for Jenny. It’ll be delightfully weird. There’s just one problem.

JENNY

What’s that, Mr. Belvedere?

CHUCK

This piece is so big, we don’t want it to suck all the oxygen out of the room and detract from the other exhibits. But …

JENNY

But what?

CHUCK

If we put another equally amazing exhibit on the other side of the hall, it’ll balance it out. So that means we need something really kick-ass, really big, over there. So what else have we got? This guy go to the moon or anything? Any good scandals?

EVAN

No, but I think I have something. Jeremy, bring in the license plates.

(Jeremy exits)

CHUCK

License plates? I don’t like the sound of this. Tell me it’s not about Bob Craig down at the DMV or something. Although if there’s a shootout …

EVAN

No, no, nothing like that.

(Jeremy returns holding two large cardboard sheets painted to look like Colorado license plates. One is ‘ZR 11’; the other is ZL15. *NOTE: they should be sort of faded green.)

EVAN

(holding up ZR 11)

This is it! The legendary license plate of Bob Craig! Every year, he gets out the green and white paint and re-paints his plates. They get faded over time, you see, and the DMV won’t ever give you a new one no matter who you are.

JENNY

You see, Chuck, it’s cool to be a long-time local like Bob Craig, and you can tell the old-timers by their license plate prefixes. ‘ZR’ was one of the earliest in the county, so if you’ve got that, well …

CHUCK

Be still, my beating heart. So if that’s Bob Craig’s, what’s the other — that ZL15?

JENNY

(reverently)

The ‘ZL’ prefix is even more legendary, almost holy if you want to know the truth. He who hath the ZL plate is above reproach …

EVAN

No cop will dare give you a ticket!

JENNY

People pull over and let you pass when they see you coming! Even Vail Resorts executives will pay you deference!

CHUCK

(playing along)

Oh lordy, and who among us hath this mystical magical ZL15, a number that trumps even that of the saintly Bob Craig?

Please, tell us!

BOB FRENCH

(appearing from the wings or, perhaps, coming out of the audience)

I do! And I will paint Bob Craig’s license plate under the table!

Who the hell are you? I’m Bob French, dammit.

CHUCK

BOB FRENCH CHUCK

(to Jenny)

Who the hell is Bob French?

JENNY

Bob French is a longtime Breckenridge attorney, former county commissioner and, most importantly, owner of the legendary ZL15.

(Bob French has already taken up painting the ZL15 plate)

CHUCK

Well, that’s great. But what’s the exhibit? These two crazy bastards painting their license plates? We’d have a riot at the box office.

EVAN

Now who’s being the naysayer? C’mon Chuck, we can bill it as ‘2 Bobs Paint their Plates.’ We can surround them with swimsuit models or something and …

JENNY

Oh, come on now!

EVAN

OK, maybe not swimsuit models. Sexy scientists?

FAKE BOB CRAIG

(raising his hand)

FYI folks, I’m not a very good painter. I actually flunked out of art class.

(The REAL BOB CRAIG ENTERS)

REAL BOB CRAIG

No matter, I’ll do it. And I don’t mind being called a sexy scientist.

(The others gape as Real Bob Craig strides to the easel, takes up the paint and regards Bob French)

Mr. French! Mr. Craig!

REAL BOB CRAIG

BOB FRENCH

(they set to painting as the others look on in amazement. Jeremy finally rips off his bow tie and throws it to the ground in disgust)

FAKE BOB CRAIG

I can’t compete with this.

(points to Real Bob Craig) I bet he’s not even equity!

(storms OFF)

JENNY

Dang.

Yeah.

EVAN CHUCK

OK, look, we can work with this. This is like history in the

making here, right? These two, uh, guys painting. It’s like so boring that it’s cool, right? That’s how we’ll bill it.

JENNY

There’s a kick-butt slogan for ya: ‘So boring it’s cool! C’mon down to the Bob Craig Museum of Excellence …

EVAN

… and metaphorical theme park!

JENNY

In Heeney, Colorado!

CHUCK

Right next to the Master Bait and Tackle! Ya can’t miss it!

EVAN

Presented by Haagen Dazs!

CHUCK

(does these next lines as the all-powerful conductor of the universe)

Cue lights!

(lights dim as spot comes up on the 2 Bobs)

Dramatic music!

(dramatic music swells)

Two Bobs Paint their Plates!

(they all watch for a few moments, then Chuck begins to exit)

JENNY

That’s it? Where are you going Mr. Belvedere?

CHUCK

Back to Vegas. Good luck with this. You might try some slot machines over in the corner there. Maybe it’ll pay the heating bill in this icebox.

(exits. Jenny and Evan regard the painting Bobs)

JENNY

I’m not sure I can work with this. Can we shut that damn music off?!

(the music stops) Work lights please!

(work lights come up)

Mr. Craig! Mr. French! You can go home now. Thank you so much.

BOB FRENCH

But I’m not finished! I love how big this thing is!

EVAN

That’s OK, Mr. French. I think you’ll have plenty of time to work on your masterpiece.

(Bob French shrugs and exits)

Mr. Craig, thank you! Such an honor to have you here. Can you just do me one little favor? Please, say something … profound!

REAL BOB CRAIG

(thinks a moment)

In all my years in Summit County, it’s funny, but this is the first time I’ve ever been to Heeney.

(looks around) I doubt I’ll return.

(exits)

We’re dead.

JENNY

EVAN

No, no, we still have the performance art piece and the Queen Noor bit, and why not do the ‘Most Interesting Man’ exhibit? C’mon Jenny, don’t give up now!

JENNY

And we’ve lost Jeremy.

EVAN

He’ll be back, don’t worry.

JENNY

What would Bob do?

EVAN

Bob Craig? Heck, I don’t know. I don’t think this kind of thing is on his resume. But he wouldn’t quit, I know that much.

JENNY

And you heard what he said: ‘I doubt I’ll return.’ That means we won’t even have him for the opening.

EVAN

I’m sure he was just kidding.

(gestures to license plate)

And besides, he didn’t finish his art project. He’ll be back. We just have to focus on the, the experience. And Jenny, no one does that docent thing like you do!

JENNY

(brightening)

Really?

EVAN

Sure, you’re awesome. If nothing else, we’ll have your fantabulous intro. Let’s hear it again.

JENNY

OK, OK. Can we get the dramatic music?

EVAN

Of course!

(music swells)

JENNY

And some light!

Yes!

EVAN

(lights go down, spotlight on Jenny)

JENNY

Hello and welcome to the Bob Craig Museum of Excellence and Metaphorical Theme Park! I’m Jenny, your docent, and boy do we have something in store for you today!

BLACKOUT

END

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